get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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