I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
