I just made out with a guy for $7.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
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He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
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He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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