proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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