The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
