I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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