Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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