If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
