If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
