i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Randomize
