just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
