Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
