I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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