Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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