Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
