he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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