I'm so fucking centered right now
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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