last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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