Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
