First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
