Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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