Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Randomize
