The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
