Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
