it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
