Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
