On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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