I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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