i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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