I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
