yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
