Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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