I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
