Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
