New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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