You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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