Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
