It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
