The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
