I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
