Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
