Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
