And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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