you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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