2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
