I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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