i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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