Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
