Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
