well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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