Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
