I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Actions speak louder than pants.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
