We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
