dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
two words: eviction party
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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