drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
