Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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