ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
