last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
